The Five Secrets to Effective Communication

Having strong communication is not natural in any given relationship. It is getting harder and harder to communicate and understand communication. Only 14% of communication comes from words, 35% of communication comes from tone, and 51% of communication comes from body language. Now that technology, texting, and social media has become a normal part of society, the communication has decreased a lot from back before these things were available. Healthy communication takes a lot of effort, and even puts people out of their comfort zone at times. In my blog today, I would like to list what I have found to be the most effective ways of communication. Everything I am basing my blog from today comes from Dr. Burn’s “Feeling Good Podcasts”, specifically his “The Five Secrets” podcasts.

In Dr. Burn’s podcasts, he lists five secrets to effective communication. When these techniques are applied in our marriage, courtship, or other people we associate with, those relationships will greatly be strengthened.

The first method he mentions is the “disarming technique”. The disarming technique is the ability to find and express a kernel of truth in what the other person is saying. No problems or disagreements will get resolved when both people in the relationship are focused solely on the selfishness of them being 100 percent right. Every disagreement will ultimately have at least one kernel of truth that should be expressed and validated in the relationship in a loving way.

The second method is to express thought empathy and feeling empathy. Empathy is an incredibly powerful tool that you can use to soften your disagreements in your relationships. Empathy is putting yourself in their shoes and striving to understand their feelings and emotions.

The third method is Inquiry. Once you have used the disarming technique and expressed thought and feeling empathy, the next step is to make sure that you are validating the other person’s emotions and feelings correctly. This shows the other person that you were genuinely listening and that you care about them and their point of view.

The fourth method is to express “I feel” statements. The important thing to remember with the “I feel statements” is that they should always be emotions. For example, you might consider telling the other person, “I feel embarrassed and upset that I made you feel that way. That was never my intentions.”

The fifth method is the “stroking” method. This one is extremely important because it lets the other person know what you authentically and genuinely love and admire about them. This is one of the biggest ways that we can express our love for them and sooth the disagreements that we may be experiencing.

For example, if there was an argument between two spouses because the wife wasn’t doing the dishes, and that was important to the husband as it made him feel less anxiety for having people over, then the wife might use the five secrets of effective communication to express something like this:

“You know what, you’re right. I have not been doing my dishes all the time like I should be doing. In fact, I could really understand how stressful that would be for you. You probably feel a lot of anxiety that someone will come over and the dishes will be left in the sink. Am I correct in that? Is that how you’re feeling…?

“I feel embarrassed and ashamed myself that I’ve been leaving a mess of dishes in the sink because I knew that was important to you. And, in fact, I really appreciate how clean and orderly you are. That is one of the things I really love and appreciate about you.”

Using the five secrets of effective communication in our relationships are not comfortable. Marriages, in and of itself, are not natural, they are “supernatural”. I am excited to be able to apply these steps in my relationships now and in my future marriage. One of the steps I would personally like to work on is the “I feel” statements. Given my shy nature, I generally don’t open-up like this to people. However, I believe that they will solve many problems in disagreements and help to enhance the genuine love and communication in my relationships with others.